Asian Spotlight | July 2023
Unfinished Business: Breaking Down the Great Wall Between Adult Child and Immigrant Parents
We all live in stories. I certainly did for most of my early life. I lived in the realities of my own head with stories about who my parents are. I was positive I knew them. I believed they were ignorant and only cared about bragging to others about my achievements, whether it was my grades in school or my various job titles. I was sure they didn’t care about love, affection, or any of the mushy emotional stuff. And I was positive they thought I should just spend my life working hard and not having fun.
At times, I loved them. At times, I resented them. Growing up, there were moments when I was proud to have them as my parents just as they were. But more often than not, as a child, I wished they were different. I wished they would verbally tell me they loved me like White American parents do. I desired for them to speak better English without an accent in the hope that my fellow classmates would stop making fun of them. I even begged for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich so that my “weird” lunches would no longer be mocked by my classmates. And I wanted them to understand what it was like to be bullied and made fun of for being a “Chink.” But I didn’t think they would or could ever understand, so I never tried.
It wasn’t until I started coaching Lisa, a client of mine, that I started to wonder about my own parents. Lisa was a senior vice president at a large bank and was tremendously successful, but unhappy. She had dreams of doing something different, something creative, possibly starting her own business. But something held her back. As we worked together, she uncovered what was behind that fear: disappointing her eighty-five year old, Chinese immigrant father. Yet, she refused to talk to him about her unhappiness in her current job or her dreams to do something different.
Out of curiosity, I started having conversations with others in the AAPI community. They shared similar stories with me: fear, anger, resentment, and sometimes sadness towards their parents. Some feared disappointing their parents and how their parents would respond. Others held anger and resentment towards their parents for pushing them hard to achieve and succeed yet never showing them love or expressing their pride. Yet most were unwilling to have an open conversation with their parents.
“They wouldn’t even be open to a conversation,” some would say.
“We’d just get into a disagreement and argue,” said others. “It’s not worth the energy.”
What occurred to me is that I was no different. I never had the courage to have open, deep conversations with my own parents. My perception of who they are and what they’re like was based on my own childhood experiences with and memories of them, all of which were from nearly three decades ago. I’d never actually heard my parents’ stories from their mouths; I’d lived only in the stories I created about them, filling in the blanks with my own assumptions.
After many starts and stops, I finally mustered the courage to have conversations with my parents. Deep conversations that unraveled the stories I had about them and made space to strengthen our relationship. These conversations led me to understand (or at least try to understand) their side of the story. I could see the twinkle in their eyes as they told me about their lives. I uncovered what gives them joy, happiness, fulfillment, and meaning and learned about their lifelong dreams. And this opened up the space for me to share myself and my story with them fully, in a way I felt understood.
What emerged from these conversations is the birth of my book, Unfinished Business: Breaking Down the Great Wall Between Adult Child and Immigrant Parents (coming this fall).
"Unfinished Business" delves into the universal struggle many of us face as children of immigrant parents: the pursuit of their approval, the weight of their expectations, and the burden of unspoken obligations. Drawing from my own personal journey and extensive (40+ hours!) conversations with my parents about their lived experiences and perspectives, I explore the process of transforming detachment into connection. I delve into how our relationships with our parents shape our lives and how their own experiences and sacrifices have influenced their lives. By sharing my story and my parents’ stories, I aim to inspire others to uncover their parents' untold narratives and heal the intergenerational gaps that may exist.
I wrote the book because I want to hear our parents’ stories, many of which might otherwise never be heard because of the rift in our relationships with them or the misunderstandings between us. These rifts and misunderstandings often stem from the stories in our heads. We believe that our parents don’t want to tell their stories, so we don’t ask. They believe that we’re not even interested in listening, so they don’t tell.
I also want us to break the intergenerational cycles of hurt and trauma. After having my kiddo, I realized that I was still carrying old baggage from my relationship with my parents that impacted the way I was parenting. I wanted to learn to let those go so I could parent in a different way.
Lastly, I wrote it because I wanted to heal. I wanted to heal myself, my parents, and our relationship. And I wish the same for others.
This journey of healing is not and was never going to be easy. Over the span of several years and 40+ hours of conversations with my parents, emotions were triggered, tears were shed, and words I'd rather not repeat were spoken.
Over the span of these conversations, I’ve also begun to understand my parents’ perspectives and stories. I’ve begun to release the feelings of pressure, guilt, and shame. And I’ve healed through this process. The beautiful thing is that my parents have, in many ways, healed too, as has our relationship.
This is not and was never going to be easy. But it's getting easier. My parents no longer trigger me the way they used to. I’m also a more connected and present mother for my 16-month-old. Funny how interconnected all of this is…
My hope is for more people to heal through open, connected conversations with their parents. That includes you! If you’re considering embarking on your own journey of open dialogue with your parents, I offer three tips:
- Don’t try to change them. Your goal is to understand your parents, not to try to change them or their beliefs and worldviews. You may not agree with their beliefs, nor do you have to. They also don’t have to agree with your beliefs.
- Listen to learn, not to speak. Approach the conversation with patience, openness, and curiosity to listen to their stories. Put yourself in their shoes, see the world from their eyes, and acknowledge that, just like you, they have a right to their beliefs and opinions. As the Dalai Lama once said, “When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” So give your parents the greatest gift: listening.
- Gently encourage them to share. If they don’t say much, or if they go silent, then smile and say, “Tell me more” to encourage them to continue.
Ok, I know I said three tips, but I can’t help myself, so one more tip: Don’t give up. Keep trying.
Even if you can’t have a relationship with your parents, whether it’s because they are no longer here or you can’t get them to open up, there are ways to discover their stories, see the world through their eyes, and forgive and heal. Are there relatives you can speak to? Friends of your parents you can ask for stories about them? Historical documents you can dig into? Or perhaps, can you look at the world they grew up in and experience what it might have been like for them, as human beings (not just as your parents) with fears, dreams, and aspirations? Changing even one side of the relationship—your side—changes the relationship. You have that power.
Though I’ve finished writing the book, the journey of deepening my relationship with my parents continues to this day. It’s not one of those things where there’s a final destination and you’re all of a sudden like, Okay! We fully understand each other now! Mission accomplished. A relationship is something you’re in for the long haul, and as with any relationship, the one with your parents will always need to be worked at and maintained.
Keep reminding yourself that this is a journey, not a one-and-done process. You can continue to revisit these conversations and dive deeper with your parents. Just don’t give up. And keep bringing the magic of empathy and compassion to your conversations.
Be persistent. Be consistent.
To learn more about “Unfinished Business” and to support its presale phase, please visit my website at https://amyyipcoaching.com/book-unfinished-business. The book will be available for presale on Amazon and other retail outlets in late summer/early fall.